I've never had someone, who had feelings for me, trust me so little. It's aggravating because I'm over here thinking that I'm the one that should be lacking in faith. It made me think about how we all view our issues in relationships. While you think someone is guilty, they think you are guilty of something else. And while you might think their "crime" is worse than yours...they think yours is going to be the one that ends the relationship. 

I tried thinking through things. I tried forgiveness. I tried bargaining. I tried yelling. Nothing has worked.

Every conversation has been flipped back on me. Lost in my own words that nothing comes out. Has that only happened to me? I like texting for this exact reason. With text, I have the opportunity to rephrase and find the right words to describe how I feel. In person, I freeze and just end up shaking my head a lot. Most of the time, I lose the verbal battle. I resort to tears because there is so much I want to say but I don't have the right words to express it. I get so overwhelmed with emotions. Tears would be fighting to emerge but my eyelids resisting to lose the physical part of this battle. 

There's something about not having a person's trust that is absolutely heartbreaking when you feel there is no fault. At this point, I'm numb to the situation. I'm sure if we were to talk about it I would feel something but as of right now...nothing.

How do you sincerely apologize if you don't see what you've done wrong? Why would someone make you think that your feelings or opinion are invalid? 

Why I got BLOCKED

Why I got blocked. I'm not the type of person to end things on a bad note. I'm still on good terms with all the people I've been romantically linked to...except one. This just happened so I suppose this is my way of organizing my thoughts on all of this.

He's not a bad guy. He's actually a decent guy. He's just made a mistake that I unfortunately can't forgive. It's been a strain on whatever this was since early December. For a while I just let it all go. I accepted it. And things were fine until he asked me what I wanted out of this "relationship." Honestly, I didn't know. Because as much as I wanted to be with him...I couldn't mentally forgive him for what he had done. My trust was strained. I knew I wasn't ready to let go of him just yet for very selfish reasons. I just said I needed time. I needed to talk about it with him. Figure things out. Sort through my issues with him. I needed to talk. Well, time past and we never spoke about any of it. It really solidified my reason to end it. I actually gave myself a timeline. It had to be by the end of January. So I did just that.

On multiple occasions I pushed for a conversation. Any conversation where we could resolve things and be civil. At the very least I wanted both of us to just put all our concerns out on the table. It always fell through on his part. Never responded. Never showed up. Which was fine. Those actions made me feel like what I had initially chosen was the right thing to do. It was over.

I took him off my social media accounts. I blocked him on IG. Then unblocked him. This made it so he wasn't following me anymore and I wasn't following him. Took him off Snapchat. Kept him on Facebook. Kept him on my contacts. If he needed me, he could reach me.

Well, then came today. "Hey." He was checking up on me. A little too late. I had tried all last weekend and Monday to talk to him in person. Nothing. So obviously I was upset. Gave him honest and short answers. Then he threw me some attitude. So I tossed it right back. Hard. So hard I'm now blocked. Hahahaha.

I'm not upset about any of it. I did all I could. This person was very one-sided with everything. They wanted me to forgive with accepting wrong-doing. They wanted me to give and dictated when and how. They will put this on me. I'm sure of it. Which is fine. I'll accept that. But at least I tried. *shrug*