My Faults

I speak WAAAY too loudly

I speak without thinking

I say inappropriate things at inappropriate times

I space out

I easily forget

I talk over people

I speak too much about myself

I ignore my friends when dating someone new

I spend way too much time over analyzing things

I go shopping way too often

I spend too much money on other people

I compare myself to too many people

I do what I want without consulting other people

My Body

No filter. No edits. Just me.

For a while I wasn't in love with my body. Now, I'm still not 100% happy with my body--HOWEVER, I do love my body. 

Look, this is a pretty risky photo. "OMG! She's shirtless!" Um...bathing suits are basically underwear. So it is ok for me to parade around in a bikini on the beach or on a stage but I can't post this? Here's the thing, I took this photo not because I wanted to send it to someone I am currently dating or because I wanted attention. No. I took this picture because I was changing into jeans and a t-shirt and felt 100% in love with my body. ONE HUNDERED PERCENT. Seriously, I wish I was dating someone because quite honestly I really did want to share my love for my body with someone. So here it my declaration to my body--I LOVE YOU. 

In all seriousness, I haven't been in love with my body recently. I have been fat shaming myself for a while now. For those of you that don't know what fat shaming is it is the act of verbally or mentally putting you or someone else down for not being at any desired weight or shape.

Now, I know of plenty of reasons as to why I have been fat shaming but the main reason boils down to one deadly sin--envy. Envy: (noun) a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

I envy all of my friends that have been really working hard towards getting a really great body. I envy those that at naturally thin. I envy those that I follow on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. I envy my fellow pageant sisters during a swimsuit portion. I have been envying every girl that dates someone I have previously dated.

Since I have been really working on just me--completely ignoring all of those feeling of envy and really trying hard to convert that envy into empowerment...I've been feeling much better about myself.

Envy into enpowerment is a new thing I thought of to help me cope with my situation. Instead of putting down myself, I empower the other person by complimenting them or even just simply liking their photo. Simple compliments like, "WOW! You look amazing!" Or "Get it girl!" For me there is a true reward in seeing someone's face light up at an honest compliment. Of course, I have slipped up and felt bad for myself on occasion but with time I am sure that it will fade. 

Here's where I started with this new thing: I unfollowed, deleted, blocked, ignored all the things that made me doubt myself. Those things being fitness posts, people that weren't exactly making me feel good about myself, other people's progress pictures--blah blah blah. After I did that I changed my bio on Instagram to, "Just do you, boo." A mantra I had said to plenty of people and to myself when self-doubt happened.

That was just the start. And it was great. It helped but I still found those people or hashtags in my recent searches. So what I had to do was really focus on me. Me, me, me. That is where I am at right now. I'm really giving myself some time to just remember why I find myself beautiful. For all the skin-deep reasons and more.

I love my body. For all my flaws. For all my weaknesses. For all the things I am working towards improving. And I have been slowly but surely been inching my way back to REEEALLY improving my physic.  But hey, I have self-love and that is enough...for now. ;)

"You are beautiful."

"You are beautiful," he said.

Words only family had told me.

Words only those who wanted something from me had said.

Words that up until that moment I TRUELY didn't understand.

Words I still try to comprehend--

Because still to this day I struggle to really believe that one statement:

YOU are beautiful.

You--As in me.

Me--at the time I was 21 and still had never been touched by a man.

I had never been in love.

I never learned what love was and how to let the other person feel that way.

I pulled away from kisses.

I held hands at a distance.

Saying no to anything that was unfamiliar and made me FEEL for another person because I had no idea that I could ever live up to this statement people said:

You are beautiful.

Drilled into my head--

This statement.

That somehow I was entitled to this thing called--

Beauty.

A genetic lottery.

A chance.

It was something that wasn't earned.

Something that I put no work towards.

It just was.

So I tried to accept it.

But the more people said--

You are beautiful.

The more of a fact it became.

The more I took it for granted.

You are--

Beautiful: A category that at the tender age of four  I owned and somewhere along my later years I lost.

The ownership of the phrase was lost to my world.

My world at a young age--

Where Britney and Christina wore crop tops.

Where you were either baby, sporty, scary, posh or a ginger.

Where to be with Aaron Carter you had to be blonde and beautiful.

A world where beautiful wasn't enough.

You had to be a specific type of beautiful.

You had to have a specific look.

But still I kept hearing--

You are beautiful.

And I told other people that same statement.

I saw in them what others had seen in me.

Beauty.

Sometimes it was skin deep.

But other times I wanted them to really hear me.

Because I watched a young pageant girl call herself fat.

A girl that was smart, naturally gorgeous, and physically fit.

A girl who was BEAUTIFUL.

So I said to her,

"You are--beautiful."

And I made her repeat that she had beauty.

And I made her say it say it again.

And again.

And when she took home the crown I asked her, "What are you?"

She looked back at me and smiled.

She stated her title--then added, "I am beautiful."

21 years it took me.

Twenty. One. Years.

He said it to me after a date.

A tender moment that only he and I would ever really know about.

"You are beautiful."

I had done beauty pageants.

I had walked on catwalks.

I had been in plays.

But I still had trouble accepting the compliment.

So he said it again,

"You are beautiful."

It was summer.

I had little makeup on.

I wasn't dressed up.

I just--was.

And as much as I wanted to accept the compliment with a sarcastic remark I didn't.

"You are beautiful."

I went home and sent him a message about how gorgeous another woman was.

How I wanted to look as beautiful as she was.

And he was mad.

"You are beautiful."

And he went on to say that I wasn't acting like the girl he was liking.

Because--

You are beautiful.

Was still just a fact I had no ownership of.

And so I thought:

Who was the girl he was liking?

And what was beauty?

She--as in me--had beauty.

She was confident.

She did not view herself as above or below anyone else.

She had an essance that was completely her.

She didn't care if she laughed too hard or too loud.

She ate what she wanted.

She loved her body.

She was content.

She--as in me--was beautiful.

So with him--I re-learned the statement

"You are beautiful."

A statement I am still getting to know.

Because I am no longer four-years-old.

I have an idea of what I THINK beauty should be.

And there were others after him that said the statement.

And there will still be others that will say the same words.

But I have learn to say those words to myself.

I have say it with intensity and believe that it is more than just a statement.

I have to regain ownership of the statement:

"You are beautiful."

Because I am beautiful.

And I am more than a statement.

I am more than a fact.

I am more than just words.

I am more.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

And I have to celebrate that fact.

The more that ordinary fact is celebrated--the less ordinary it is.

Because beauty should be celebrated.

I will yell it to the world.

I will tell myself quietly.

I will pass my reflection and own the fact that

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

That way I will not need someone to remind me:

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I will know it.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I will cherish it.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I will share it.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

and everyone will know.

One last thing,

I just needed you to know--

YOU...are beautiful.

I really don't appreciate...

I really don't appreciate when people say things like, "Oh, you didn't eat?" "Why don't you eat?" "You never eat." First off, when I hear these statements I'm getting food or have already eaten. I'm sorry, but you aren't me. You don't know what I've consumed. You don't know if I'm hungry or not. You don't know what my body needs. So back up. This is my life.

I am not anorexic. Frankly, I don't think I could ever go a day without food. I love it too much. IF you know me, you should know the massive amounts of food I can consume. 

Another thing I don't appreciate is when people don't understand why I am upset over hearing this. Would you be upset if someone were to call you a liar? Or how about fat? Because people who say those statements to me aren't only calling me anorexic but they are also calling me a liar.

I'm skinny. I'm not the skinniest person out there--probably because I eat so gosh darn much. I try to work out. I try to eat healthy. I try to hard to loose the little bit of belly fat I have. Not because I want to be anorexic but I want to be healthy. So excuse YOU. For making me feel bad over wanting to be healthy. I was just trying to eat. And the fact that other people don't see this as being rude, you should really reconsider this.

There was a time in my life where I would hide food. I wouldn't eat. I was completely ignored. It was middle school and I was lost. I was in a new place. My parents weren't always around. I just wanted someone to care. To notice. After gaining a few pounds from caving in and finally eating, a lightbulb went off in my head. Realization--no one cares when you really need them too. Typically, people notice you when it is too late.

So yeah, if I get angry about it--you should feel bad. I do a lot to maintain my body in a healthy way. I don't need to be skinny-shamed by people who constantly tear me down. I am beautiful. Inside and out. Some people just don't see it. They might when it is too late.

Dear Almost Lover,

My hope for you is that you continue being the person I found--That man that had all the confidence in the world to start talking to a crazy woman like me. Continue to have a smile that could ease my mind of all my little worries. Continue to be persistent and never settle for less than what you want--or deserve. Continue working towards happiness. Continue doing what you love--even if it makes other people unhappy. Continue looking for love. I honestly hope it finds you.