The Juggling Man

There is a story of the juggling man.  The juggler was given five balls by his leader: faith, family, friends, integrity and work.  His leader tells the juggling man that these balls represent his life.  He is told to keep all the balls in motion.  The juggling man starts to juggle.  His leader watches as the juggling man struggles to keep all five balls moving.  His leader then tells the juggling man that the ball of work is made of rubber.  If he drops the ball of work, it will bounce back.  The other four balls are made of glass.  If he drops one of the glass balls, it will be irreversibly scratched, cracked or broken into a million pieces.

(Adapted from James Patterson's "Susanne's Diary for Nicholas")

New

I wanted to type this out before going to bed because if I don't get these thoughts out right now I will never be able to go to sleep right now and then wake-up by 6am.  Not too long ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to work on ME.  How I wanted success as much as I wanted to breathe.  While those statements are very true... there have been things in my life getting in the way.  I have to be honest with myself and say that I have been distracted over the past few weeks.

I don't want to give too many details because I'm still trying to re-hash all of this out myself.  The whole re-hashing thing has really taken over my brain.  There have been a few instances in my life recently that have turned my head away from some important things.

I quit.  I just quit.  I don't want to try and win people over anymore.  I'm done with being the nice girl that feels like she needs to be liked.  No.  I'm done with that.  I'm going to be the nice and indifferent girl now.  I want to know that I am needed.  I want to know just how much I mean.  I'm done being side-swept by nasty rumors.  I'm done feeling like second best.  I'm done with feeling like I have to please everyone.  I'm okay with just being me.  I'm okay with taking a few steps back from what I've been doing.  I just want to be the girl that I know.  I'm strong.  I'm smart.  I'm a bit overly sarcastic.

I feel overwhelmed right now.  I thought I had a lot of things under control and I thought that by doing certain things I would have more of a perspective on things but I really just don't.  Over the last year I've lost sight of things that really matter t me.  So you know what?  I quit.  I need to focus on what really matters right now.  I have my religion that I'm firmly holding on to.  I have my family that I haven't seen a whole lot of.  I have my friends who are really supportive.  I have my school work that I need to focus on.  I have my community that I love to give back to.  That is all I need right now.  All the other problems can eat monkey poop.  I'm standing my ground for those things.  As for everything else--I can rebuild.

And dear Lord, I am scared.  I'm scared of disappointing people.  I'm scared of loosing people.  I'm scared of what comes next.  I am scared--but gosh does it feel good to be scared.  There is just so much out there.  I wrote a little while ago in my journal or somewhere that I had so my options.  Now, when I wrote it I had intended it to be about something else.  Today it has a whole new meaning to me.

It's a new day.  It's a new life.  I'm feeling good.

I have so much to say...

I really do.  I have a lot of stuff I want to tell people in my life right now, those that will be in my life and things I want to tell myself.

I sometimes think that my brain runs on hyper-speed.  It's hard to form sentences at times.  I typically fumble my words.  I suppose that is why I really like to text or write handwritten letters or blog things out.  I can stop and change things this way.  If I don't like the way things sound I can erase or delete and start again.

I almost wish I had a transcript of my rain because if I don't write things down I will sometimes forget it because I have another thought flying through my brain.  That transcript would be mighty long.  SO I thought it would be kinda funny if I just typed a little of what it would look like:

for some reason i really want this to sound really smart integent and witty an sarcastic i want it to showcase what my personality is really like i want to show how I am now but and i wish but dang i just want people to know a little about me but then again who am i in comparison to everyone else am i even more a i distinguasable at all should i like certain people who are more or less noticable gosh i just want to notice me i just want to be a better person i want to do good thing i want t be who i think ishould be and create new goals and i really wish someone woulf just messafe me on facebook right now. i just want to talk to someone but then again it is one oclock right now lol i don't even know who is awake right now i suppose i can check who is online but then that would bmenan straying away from this page and i really do just want to type out how i feel  you know i'm actually really happy.  i love mylife and who i have become up to this point i have never been to cruel or too mean to someone i have gotten to where i am by continuously being me and i have not compromised my beliefs and if i have then i have come to rest with that lol does that even make sense i this whole thing is littlered with isspelled words.  i really trying to type as fast as i can.  i just,,,  i don't even know.

Yup.  So that is what it is like.  idk.  I always thought this was a good exercise for anyone who is just stuck in a writing hole or just very..confused.  and it is funny because in my head i talk over myself.  hahaha.  But I guess that is a story for another time.

When Discouraged

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but will attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway. (Mother Teresa)

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)

 13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. 14 Do everything in love. (1 Corinthians 16:13-14)

Lukewarm

It's funny.  If you asked my friends or my co-workers or any of my classmates if I was boy-crazy they would most likely answer yes.  However, I've never had a boyfriend and I haven't been dating anyone in a while.

I will always admit that I lack the ability to be vulnerable.  I remain pretty indifferent and unenthused by a lot of people.  I'm not saying that I'm not friendly.  If you are reading this, you are probably a friend and would say that I am a people person.  To those that are curious or don't know me too well, my personality is ESFP.

I suppose with the people I come into contact with are those that aren't exactly the demographics that I'm searching for.  And look, if it isn't a perfect match I still take the time to get to know them.  However, I'm not going to spend all of my life hanging out with a person who I have lukewarm feelings over.  Trust me it isn't easy letting go of something that has made me feel exhilarated and excited at one point and then turned into something that was bland.  I'm not sorry for spending my time experiencing more of life and less time eating unflavored, cold, no butter, no maple syrup grits.

Let's be real here.  I've seen a lot of the dating world.  I haven't been in a ton of relationships but I have had my share of hurt and annoyances.  I have been strung along by someone that has had lukewarm feelings for me.  I have been caught up in someone who played mind-games with me. I have been through plenty of instances where I had no idea how the other person felt about me.  At this point I am pretty darn proud of myself for still standing.  And yes I have made really bold moves when it has comes to asking men out.  I have given guys my number and I have been rejected from time to time so to those people who dare say that I'm not trying hard enough, FORGET YOU!  YOU'RE MEAN!  

Look, I'll be really honest.  YES! I have regretted some of my decisions.  Yes.  I do have really bad timing when it comes to certain things.  BUT HEY!  I'm only human.  But look, I'm trying to improve myself.  I'm working.  I'm going to school.  I want success as much as a drowning person wants to breathe air.  I am willing myself to be the person that people look and and say, "Her.  She's the one."  I don't want to be someone's lukewarm feeling.

Until then, I'll be saying no to all the lukewarm feelings I have or will receive.  I'm pretty ok with just working towards my career.  I'm happy to be around my family.  I'm glad to have such amazing friends.  And GOD, thank you for football and beer.