New

I wanted to type this out before going to bed because if I don't get these thoughts out right now I will never be able to go to sleep right now and then wake-up by 6am.  Not too long ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to work on ME.  How I wanted success as much as I wanted to breathe.  While those statements are very true... there have been things in my life getting in the way.  I have to be honest with myself and say that I have been distracted over the past few weeks.

I don't want to give too many details because I'm still trying to re-hash all of this out myself.  The whole re-hashing thing has really taken over my brain.  There have been a few instances in my life recently that have turned my head away from some important things.

I quit.  I just quit.  I don't want to try and win people over anymore.  I'm done with being the nice girl that feels like she needs to be liked.  No.  I'm done with that.  I'm going to be the nice and indifferent girl now.  I want to know that I am needed.  I want to know just how much I mean.  I'm done being side-swept by nasty rumors.  I'm done feeling like second best.  I'm done with feeling like I have to please everyone.  I'm okay with just being me.  I'm okay with taking a few steps back from what I've been doing.  I just want to be the girl that I know.  I'm strong.  I'm smart.  I'm a bit overly sarcastic.

I feel overwhelmed right now.  I thought I had a lot of things under control and I thought that by doing certain things I would have more of a perspective on things but I really just don't.  Over the last year I've lost sight of things that really matter t me.  So you know what?  I quit.  I need to focus on what really matters right now.  I have my religion that I'm firmly holding on to.  I have my family that I haven't seen a whole lot of.  I have my friends who are really supportive.  I have my school work that I need to focus on.  I have my community that I love to give back to.  That is all I need right now.  All the other problems can eat monkey poop.  I'm standing my ground for those things.  As for everything else--I can rebuild.

And dear Lord, I am scared.  I'm scared of disappointing people.  I'm scared of loosing people.  I'm scared of what comes next.  I am scared--but gosh does it feel good to be scared.  There is just so much out there.  I wrote a little while ago in my journal or somewhere that I had so my options.  Now, when I wrote it I had intended it to be about something else.  Today it has a whole new meaning to me.

It's a new day.  It's a new life.  I'm feeling good.