I've never had someone, who had feelings for me, trust me so little. It's aggravating because I'm over here thinking that I'm the one that should be lacking in faith. It made me think about how we all view our issues in relationships. While you think someone is guilty, they think you are guilty of something else. And while you might think their "crime" is worse than yours...they think yours is going to be the one that ends the relationship. 

I tried thinking through things. I tried forgiveness. I tried bargaining. I tried yelling. Nothing has worked.

Every conversation has been flipped back on me. Lost in my own words that nothing comes out. Has that only happened to me? I like texting for this exact reason. With text, I have the opportunity to rephrase and find the right words to describe how I feel. In person, I freeze and just end up shaking my head a lot. Most of the time, I lose the verbal battle. I resort to tears because there is so much I want to say but I don't have the right words to express it. I get so overwhelmed with emotions. Tears would be fighting to emerge but my eyelids resisting to lose the physical part of this battle. 

There's something about not having a person's trust that is absolutely heartbreaking when you feel there is no fault. At this point, I'm numb to the situation. I'm sure if we were to talk about it I would feel something but as of right now...nothing.

How do you sincerely apologize if you don't see what you've done wrong? Why would someone make you think that your feelings or opinion are invalid? 

Why I got BLOCKED

Why I got blocked. I'm not the type of person to end things on a bad note. I'm still on good terms with all the people I've been romantically linked to...except one. This just happened so I suppose this is my way of organizing my thoughts on all of this.

He's not a bad guy. He's actually a decent guy. He's just made a mistake that I unfortunately can't forgive. It's been a strain on whatever this was since early December. For a while I just let it all go. I accepted it. And things were fine until he asked me what I wanted out of this "relationship." Honestly, I didn't know. Because as much as I wanted to be with him...I couldn't mentally forgive him for what he had done. My trust was strained. I knew I wasn't ready to let go of him just yet for very selfish reasons. I just said I needed time. I needed to talk about it with him. Figure things out. Sort through my issues with him. I needed to talk. Well, time past and we never spoke about any of it. It really solidified my reason to end it. I actually gave myself a timeline. It had to be by the end of January. So I did just that.

On multiple occasions I pushed for a conversation. Any conversation where we could resolve things and be civil. At the very least I wanted both of us to just put all our concerns out on the table. It always fell through on his part. Never responded. Never showed up. Which was fine. Those actions made me feel like what I had initially chosen was the right thing to do. It was over.

I took him off my social media accounts. I blocked him on IG. Then unblocked him. This made it so he wasn't following me anymore and I wasn't following him. Took him off Snapchat. Kept him on Facebook. Kept him on my contacts. If he needed me, he could reach me.

Well, then came today. "Hey." He was checking up on me. A little too late. I had tried all last weekend and Monday to talk to him in person. Nothing. So obviously I was upset. Gave him honest and short answers. Then he threw me some attitude. So I tossed it right back. Hard. So hard I'm now blocked. Hahahaha.

I'm not upset about any of it. I did all I could. This person was very one-sided with everything. They wanted me to forgive with accepting wrong-doing. They wanted me to give and dictated when and how. They will put this on me. I'm sure of it. Which is fine. I'll accept that. But at least I tried. *shrug*

The Beginning

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day." Genesis 1:31

The last verse, of the first chapter, of the first book in the Bible.  Think of this when you are feeling down, when you are feeling up...think of this always.  God created the heavens and earth. He created the broad mountains, the vast sea, the endless sky...and stopped and decided that this world needed you.  You were made in His image.  You were given the right to rule over this wild world as a child of God.  God saw you and said you were good.  You have always been complete and whole.  You are enough.  So straighten your crown and go rule your world. 
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Heavenly Father,
When you made me you saw that I was good; That I was complete; That I could have everything I ever needed and wanted; That all I ever needed to do was go out and get it.  Please, grant me the confidence and the knowledge that I AM YOURS and with You I can accomplish everything.  Amen.

Dating A Non-Believer: "It's not me. It's you."

Just some quick thoughts... I'd never be able to love someone who wasn't a Christian. That being said, I'd never be able to date someone who wasn't open to knowing Christ. Faith is such a huge part of my life. When I like you, I want to share my life with you. I want to tell you about my day and tell you stories of my life. When I date you, when I'm interested in you, when I am investing my time and my feelings in you...HOW am I not suppose to want to share Him with you?! He is the way, the life and the truth in my life.  Without HIM... I have nothing.

To every person out there struggling to be with someone who isn't a believer... I'm praying for you. It can't be easy. But after trying and trying you have to stop and think if this is really what God wants for you. If you are praying and making excuses...maybe it's time to step away.

The reason I say that is because I never want to put someone before God. If I'm going to say, "I love you," To my significant other it means there is a 100% chance I've thought about marrying that person on the receiving end of that sentence. And if we are going to get married it will be before God. If he isn't a believer by the time I want to say, "I love you." We have a HUGE problem. At that point, it's between him & HIM. I will choose my Lord Jesus Christ OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Every. Single. Time. Because in the end, it is ONLY Him. 

I know he isn't a believer but I love him, God. And I know you want me to marry someone who believes in you but I can't live without him, Lord! I love him. I'm going to marry him. Please forgive me! Amen.

^ See, that. That's not going to be me. Because what that is saying is, "He isn't a believe but I'm going to love him anyway. I know I'm going against your wishes but I know what's right and you don't, Lord. I love him more and I choose him over you in this situation. I'm going to go against your will. Forgive me." Uh-uhhh! No. Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it. This is exactly why I can't possibly say "I love you" without knowing for sure that the man I love is saved.

Do yourself a favor and listen to God before saying "I love you." Trust in Him and not in your own understandings because He knows best. It might be hard to walk away but He has a plan. Trust in it.

My Favorite Moment

Summer was fading and the sweltering hot days of the Central Valley were cooling off into breezy afternoons. My family decided to go down to the lake that afternoon and thus began the moment I could live in forever. There I stood surrounded by people I love, my whole future ahead of me, the sound of laughter from the children and the knowledge that when I returned home I would be welcomed by the arms of someone who thought I was as beautiful as the sunset before me. The sun began to fall beneath the horizon of the lake of my childhood. It seemed to me the sun had stopped just for me to say goodbye. Even as I look back on this memory now I can feel it, that overwhelming happiness and the thought that everything for a moment could be absolutely perfect. That was the last time my eldest brother was in my hometown & my mother's brother was still alive. It was the last time I believe my whole family was immensely happy. 

Things I Want to Remind Myself

1. Don't apologize for being yourself. If people can't accept your personality...move on.

2. Not everyone is going to like you no matter how kind, how nice, how sweet you are...some people just ARE NOT going to like you.

3. You can't control everything. You can't control everything. You can't control everything. Let. It. Go.

4. If you ever have a fight or flight moment don't make the situation worse by making it a tend and befriend moment.