You will never really know me

You will never really know me

You will only see my face

The one I put on every day

To hide my silent pain.

You will never really know me

You will hear and see me laugh

The simple smile and smirk

Deep down the anger lurks.

You will never really know me

How I long to feel loved

The only thing keeping me

Is God from heaven above.

You will never really know me

If judging is all you do

I sit and pray waiting

Just to get away from you.

You will never really know me

Not even if you try

Because I'm scared

I run away & lie.

You will never really know me

I guess that's how it is

I want to start over

I need more than just this.

You will never know me

You will never really know me.

I'm not the same.

I'm not that girl.

You will never really know me

Because I barely know myself.

Rejection

Rejection is hard. As a girl, you don't tend to see the rejection side of things when it comes to dating. A guy casually comes up to you and says, "Hi my name is [insert name here]." You don't typically think twice about it. You simply judge and then respond. Even if you think you didn't respond, let me tell you, you did. If you brush it off and scoff, that's a response. If you roll your eyes, that's a response. If you laugh with your friend, that is a response.

Have you ever even thought about what it takes for a guy to even come up to you like that? What pride he might suffer if the response is negative? What insecurities he might harbor? How he might feel? My thoughts are that in the moment you haven't. Sure, you were super friendly and then ditched him after he bought you a drink. Sure, you had a great conversation with him until your drink was done. Sure, you let him down easy--you just had to use him before you left. 

You know, we all ask for respect. We all want common decency and yet here we are playing "the game" like none of us have any real emotions, like we are only looking out for ourselves. You are not better than the person standing next to you. You both have the same rights and are both on the pursuit of happiness.

Be kind.

Dear Future Love of Mine,

Hi. So, I guess you're the lucky fellow who has broken the fortress of solitude. It's a whole different universe for me and you know that. I guess I just wanted to say, congratulations. You've succeeded what I thought would be impossible. I'm sure there is quite a story of how you got to be my first real love. I know how stubborn I can be. I. Know.

If my predictions are right then the following statements really hit close to home. I was really easy to talk to but there was a huge wall of something I didn't or couldn't talk to you about. I would look at you as if I was about to say something but I would say it was nothing. I would always be upbeat and when I was upset it would come out of no where. I would always fight back tears. I would have moments of silence. I would hide.

But you. You knew how to get passed all of that. You knew how to say and do things other men never understood, things I never understood. You too must be very stubborn...or brave.

Twenty-three years of facing the world I live in alone. Only opening up to my closest friends and select individuals. I was constantly thinking that no one could ever understand or want to know or care to know. But you. You would. I mean, that's what you get with me, the girl who withholds details, the one who is so good at facades. I don't know how you got to me but I'm going to thank God when it happens.

I'm going to pray for you. I'm going to pray for the day you come into my life. I'm going to pray for how thankful I am for finally having something real and good that I could hold on to. I'm going to pray for the grace you have granted me. For the suffering you will shoulder. For the long conversations to come. For the irritation I will cause. For every time I deny you access to my life. For every time you have to pick me up. I will pray for us. I will pray that you and I will be happy. I will pray that you and I have bond stronger than that of those who have made me believe that love doesn't exist. I will pray that I have the strength to be the woman who is worthy of a man like you. I will pray that I become the women I know I want to be. I will pray that I will work on my my own faults and be stronger, smarter and happier.

Until then... I love you. And thank you.

-Hyacinth

The Last Seven Days

Saturday my Uncle Rudy passed away.  Then I found out that a classmate of mine from high school has too.  My thoughts have been pretty cloudy. School and work and my schedule in general has been interesting to say the least.

Today I focused my thoughts and prayers on peace. Peace for my friends and family who have been affected and stressed by loss or any troubles. I hope we find peace.

I've always thought that happines is what we should be working towards. This week has shown me that peace is far more valuable. You don't have to be elated to be at peace. You just feel a calm. That second of, "You are going to be fine."  Peace.  Hope for peace.

Natural

Today I looked like this. No hair products. No make-up. Nothing fancy. Au natural.

We live in a society where putting your eyebrows on before you walk out the door is a necessity, wearing makeup at the beach is normal and having "cute" gym clothes is a thing. For most people ages 12-30 our lives are focused on finding love in a world of likes, views and reposts. It's no wonder I feel this need to look like I'm doing ok when I'm not.

I have these days when I tear myself down. For a while I would have men that I was interested in validate that I was a good person, that I was beautiful and smart. It's been a while since I've gone on a date and I've had to turn to the one person I was hiding from, my harshest critic, myself.

Sometimes I forget what it is like to be beautiful on the inside without all the make-up and hair products and other girly things. I forget what makes me a reliable and strong individual. I forget that I can be confident without those extra beauty boosts. So today I didn't do anything special to my face or hair. I went to work in the morning. My day went on as normal. I was around my family. My day went on as normal. I went to the post office and a man called me beautiful so I said thank you and my day went as normal. I went to school. I did my work and guess what...my day went on as normal.

We spend so much money and time on hair and make-up and we don't even need it. It does make us feel beautiful but we have to remember that beauty shouldn't come from a can but from our minds and our hearts. We must be beautiful in our thoughts and actions because that is what matters the most and makes you...you.

Today I felt, beautiful. I honestly hope that you did too.

XOXO.

Bikinis & Actions

I'm fed up with fighting for what "I should" think is modest. I'm tired of hearing people tell me what they believe is appropriate for me to wear at certain times of the day. I am done with feeling ashamed of what I look like and what I want to wear because it can understood as a gateway for men to objectify me. NO. 

Stop saying that women should just wear one piece bathing suits because it promotes promiscuity and makes men lust after women. Will men see a woman in a bikini and think lustful thoughts. Sure. However! Don't you dare say that women will not do the same. Women have eyes and we will objectify men (period) I'm not saying that go forth and run free with no clothes on. I'm saying that it is ok to love your body. It is ok to love other bodies. STOP TRYING TO SHAME PEOPLE. You are teaching young girls that it isn't ok to wear certain items because we are the cause and the blame for the actions of men if they pursue us purely based off of what we look like. How evil! We should be teaching all people to continue to pursue someone of their liking do to their thoughts and actions. We are always going to have urges that attract us to someone. We're animals! We have a mating ritual! And as primitive as it sounds we do chose our mates off of what we believe is going to produce the fittest spawn. 

I would like to believe that we all have the ability to see past material and primitive aspects of mating. I would like to hope, because I am a young single person, that those I do purse see me more as soul and less of a sack of pleasurable looking and feeling skin and bones. 

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price.Therefore honor God with your bodies." (1 Cor 6:19-20) 

He DIED for us and our sins. We should honor him by what we DO with our bodies and our minds. We should not judge by what is on them but rather who they are and what great things they have to offer. 

My Nerdy Side

A list of things that I believe make me "nerdy" in a very cute and lovable type of way.

1) I wear large, thick framed glasses.

2) I can probably quote Starship Troopers better than most basic girls can quote Mean Girls and Bring It On combined.

3) I've actually read Starship Troopers.

4) I have a favorite author.

5) I like cult films such as "The Heathers" "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Evil Dead"

6) I've watched the original "Evil Dead" and the sequel to it.

7) I've been to a "Rocy Horror Picture Show" viewing more than once and have participated in yelling better lines at the screen.

8) I've read the graphic novels of movies BEFORE they were movies.

9) I've watched all the Star Wars movies (I still like 1,2,3 better and I'm not sorry about it).

10) LotR. I know what it means. I watched all of them and yes, I knew there would be prequel. No. I did not read it.

11) Harry Potter. I read every book. I watched every movie. I owned a shirty. Pottermore. The fanfictions. The fan forums. Secret secret secret confession: I actually cared about my status on the forums and I so desperately wanted to be an admin.

12) Qunitin Tarantino. I love it. I understand it. It's funny.

13) Stan Lee. You now know my comic book loyalies.

14) Kevin Smith. Your silence and movies are genius.

15) When DVD's first came out I watched the movie and then re-watched it right away with director commentary. First dvd was LotR.

16) I stood in line at Barnes&Nobles to be one of the first people to get a copy of a book.

17) I have chosen to read a book over sleep.

18) I've been to Comic-Con.

19) I secretly wanted to drive to Anahiem to attend the Blizzard Convention.

20) There is more... This is all I'm willing to confess right now.