My Birthday

My birthday is three days after Christmas and three days before New Years Eve marking it probably one of the worst times to have a birthday. This my friends is a rant about my birthday. It might be a little bratty but unless you were born around the same day, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

A list of reasons why it sucks:

1) People are broke from buying other people gifts. Like you get the leftover gifts. You recieve gifts like socks. Or you get a gift that they didn't want.

2) You get combination gifts. "This is your birthday/Christmas/New Years gift." Wtf?! Why can't I have one birthday gift and one Christmas gift? Or at least make it a good gift!!! To those that did this to me as a child, you ruined my happiness of my birthday.

3) Your birthday party is competing with everyone's holiday parties. Family parties, company parties, their significant other's work party. 

4) You never got to have an elementary school in class party. You were always off on your birthday which was cool but you missed out on this little thing marking your heart with the slightest crack.

5) Friends are always going out of town for the holidays. They are in Vegas for New Years. They went home for the holidays. They went to their grandma's house.

6) It just sucks.

Alas, it's MY birthday. I just feel like I missed out on the FULL birthday experience. It's my birthday, I can whine if I want to. At least now that I'm older I can take all my complaints with a bottle of champagne. Lol.

Every time I visit Merced it's strange. Part of me feels like I belong. The other part doesn't feel at home but rather a passerby. "Home is where the heart is." I guess my heart belongs to SD now. I will always love Merced. After all, there will always be a home in hometown.

The Juggling Man

There is a story of the juggling man.  The juggler was given five balls by his leader: faith, family, friends, integrity and work.  His leader tells the juggling man that these balls represent his life.  He is told to keep all the balls in motion.  The juggling man starts to juggle.  His leader watches as the juggling man struggles to keep all five balls moving.  His leader then tells the juggling man that the ball of work is made of rubber.  If he drops the ball of work, it will bounce back.  The other four balls are made of glass.  If he drops one of the glass balls, it will be irreversibly scratched, cracked or broken into a million pieces.

(Adapted from James Patterson's "Susanne's Diary for Nicholas")

New

I wanted to type this out before going to bed because if I don't get these thoughts out right now I will never be able to go to sleep right now and then wake-up by 6am.  Not too long ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to work on ME.  How I wanted success as much as I wanted to breathe.  While those statements are very true... there have been things in my life getting in the way.  I have to be honest with myself and say that I have been distracted over the past few weeks.

I don't want to give too many details because I'm still trying to re-hash all of this out myself.  The whole re-hashing thing has really taken over my brain.  There have been a few instances in my life recently that have turned my head away from some important things.

I quit.  I just quit.  I don't want to try and win people over anymore.  I'm done with being the nice girl that feels like she needs to be liked.  No.  I'm done with that.  I'm going to be the nice and indifferent girl now.  I want to know that I am needed.  I want to know just how much I mean.  I'm done being side-swept by nasty rumors.  I'm done feeling like second best.  I'm done with feeling like I have to please everyone.  I'm okay with just being me.  I'm okay with taking a few steps back from what I've been doing.  I just want to be the girl that I know.  I'm strong.  I'm smart.  I'm a bit overly sarcastic.

I feel overwhelmed right now.  I thought I had a lot of things under control and I thought that by doing certain things I would have more of a perspective on things but I really just don't.  Over the last year I've lost sight of things that really matter t me.  So you know what?  I quit.  I need to focus on what really matters right now.  I have my religion that I'm firmly holding on to.  I have my family that I haven't seen a whole lot of.  I have my friends who are really supportive.  I have my school work that I need to focus on.  I have my community that I love to give back to.  That is all I need right now.  All the other problems can eat monkey poop.  I'm standing my ground for those things.  As for everything else--I can rebuild.

And dear Lord, I am scared.  I'm scared of disappointing people.  I'm scared of loosing people.  I'm scared of what comes next.  I am scared--but gosh does it feel good to be scared.  There is just so much out there.  I wrote a little while ago in my journal or somewhere that I had so my options.  Now, when I wrote it I had intended it to be about something else.  Today it has a whole new meaning to me.

It's a new day.  It's a new life.  I'm feeling good.

I have so much to say...

I really do.  I have a lot of stuff I want to tell people in my life right now, those that will be in my life and things I want to tell myself.

I sometimes think that my brain runs on hyper-speed.  It's hard to form sentences at times.  I typically fumble my words.  I suppose that is why I really like to text or write handwritten letters or blog things out.  I can stop and change things this way.  If I don't like the way things sound I can erase or delete and start again.

I almost wish I had a transcript of my rain because if I don't write things down I will sometimes forget it because I have another thought flying through my brain.  That transcript would be mighty long.  SO I thought it would be kinda funny if I just typed a little of what it would look like:

for some reason i really want this to sound really smart integent and witty an sarcastic i want it to showcase what my personality is really like i want to show how I am now but and i wish but dang i just want people to know a little about me but then again who am i in comparison to everyone else am i even more a i distinguasable at all should i like certain people who are more or less noticable gosh i just want to notice me i just want to be a better person i want to do good thing i want t be who i think ishould be and create new goals and i really wish someone woulf just messafe me on facebook right now. i just want to talk to someone but then again it is one oclock right now lol i don't even know who is awake right now i suppose i can check who is online but then that would bmenan straying away from this page and i really do just want to type out how i feel  you know i'm actually really happy.  i love mylife and who i have become up to this point i have never been to cruel or too mean to someone i have gotten to where i am by continuously being me and i have not compromised my beliefs and if i have then i have come to rest with that lol does that even make sense i this whole thing is littlered with isspelled words.  i really trying to type as fast as i can.  i just,,,  i don't even know.

Yup.  So that is what it is like.  idk.  I always thought this was a good exercise for anyone who is just stuck in a writing hole or just very..confused.  and it is funny because in my head i talk over myself.  hahaha.  But I guess that is a story for another time.

When Discouraged

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but will attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway. (Mother Teresa)

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)

 13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. 14 Do everything in love. (1 Corinthians 16:13-14)

Lukewarm

It's funny.  If you asked my friends or my co-workers or any of my classmates if I was boy-crazy they would most likely answer yes.  However, I've never had a boyfriend and I haven't been dating anyone in a while.

I will always admit that I lack the ability to be vulnerable.  I remain pretty indifferent and unenthused by a lot of people.  I'm not saying that I'm not friendly.  If you are reading this, you are probably a friend and would say that I am a people person.  To those that are curious or don't know me too well, my personality is ESFP.

I suppose with the people I come into contact with are those that aren't exactly the demographics that I'm searching for.  And look, if it isn't a perfect match I still take the time to get to know them.  However, I'm not going to spend all of my life hanging out with a person who I have lukewarm feelings over.  Trust me it isn't easy letting go of something that has made me feel exhilarated and excited at one point and then turned into something that was bland.  I'm not sorry for spending my time experiencing more of life and less time eating unflavored, cold, no butter, no maple syrup grits.

Let's be real here.  I've seen a lot of the dating world.  I haven't been in a ton of relationships but I have had my share of hurt and annoyances.  I have been strung along by someone that has had lukewarm feelings for me.  I have been caught up in someone who played mind-games with me. I have been through plenty of instances where I had no idea how the other person felt about me.  At this point I am pretty darn proud of myself for still standing.  And yes I have made really bold moves when it has comes to asking men out.  I have given guys my number and I have been rejected from time to time so to those people who dare say that I'm not trying hard enough, FORGET YOU!  YOU'RE MEAN!  

Look, I'll be really honest.  YES! I have regretted some of my decisions.  Yes.  I do have really bad timing when it comes to certain things.  BUT HEY!  I'm only human.  But look, I'm trying to improve myself.  I'm working.  I'm going to school.  I want success as much as a drowning person wants to breathe air.  I am willing myself to be the person that people look and and say, "Her.  She's the one."  I don't want to be someone's lukewarm feeling.

Until then, I'll be saying no to all the lukewarm feelings I have or will receive.  I'm pretty ok with just working towards my career.  I'm happy to be around my family.  I'm glad to have such amazing friends.  And GOD, thank you for football and beer.

#RespectBeforeBeauty (rant)

The majority of girls do it. We wear the short dresses, the ones that are way more than four inches above the knee. There are more girls who post pictures with their cleavage showing or how big their butt is #mygoodies and less women posting pictures about their family, friends, degree, work, charity and religion.

What happened? Where did our respect go? Yes, we all want to look beautiful. We all want to feel adored. But when you post all those "sexy" photos you are gaining the attention of boys that don't see you as a person. You come off as cheap. You give the impression that it is ok for them to treat you as a sexual object. NEWSFLASH: Little respect is given to a girl who leaves little to the imagination. There is no personal worth of "100 likes" when you lose that respect.

I'd like to hear more women embracing their looks. I sell formal gowns to women. I do pageants with women. I am surrounded by these beautiful women who have been fat shaming and not respecting who they are. READ THIS: You are more than the size on a tag. You are more beautiful and loved than you can begin to imagine. You are worth calling beautiful. And it greatly saddens me that you don't know that.

This media driven culture has warped our idea of beauty. It frustrates me to the n-th degree that being a certain shape is more attractive than another. We are not all gray blobs! There are people starving in the world and you are pointing out the little bit of fat surrounding your lower abdominal area rather than embracing it. Be thankful you ate today. Be thankful your "belly" isn't "fat" from being swollen because your stomach is grinding away at it's own empty self.

Have some respect for YOURSELF. You are beautiful. You are fortunate. You deserve to be treated for much more than what you look like. You should be loved for who you are as a person.

No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself first. Yes, we'll slip and call ourselves ugly but we have to remember we are more than our beauty. 

#RespectBeforeBeauty

Respect yourself. When you wake up in the morning just remember that you are beautiful. Before you put on your make-up you are beautiful. Each time you catch your reflection you are beautiful. The days you feel as if life is coming to an end just think you are beautiful. Have respect for yourself. Be beautiful. 

Respect other women. Too often we compare ourselves to other people. Remember that you have good things going on in your life too! Compliment other women. Accept the compliments you receive. Be positive. Be happy. Be beautiful.

This is my plea, ALWAYS put respect before beauty. Before you call yourself ugly. Before you post a selfie. Before you go to the gym. Before you wear that micro miniskirt out to the club. Just remember, #RespectBeforeBeauty.

xoxo.

Hya's Outlook

In my life I have been described at an upbeat type of person. I am the person will the bubbly personality and cheery demeanor. I am pretty good at being positive and bringing the energy of people up. I'm basically the cup of coffee you needed in your life.

Have you ever wondered why? Why is this girl so chipper? What makes her so happy? How does she have this much good energy?

I'm not going to say that by living with my state of mind that things will be easier or you will succeed more. I am going to tell you that by thinking this way you will feel more positive.

The way I think...

When I think about my life I look towards what I have that is good. My large family, my really good friends, having the precence of God in my life, the love I've experienced and the fortunate oportunities I have received. I embrace all the small and large things. I picture what I CAN do and what I WILL do. I stay positive MEANING I see my life through what I have or can do that is special, of quality, or different--all the experiences that make me, ME-- rather than their absence. I see opportunities because every single thing is possible and only your state of mind will make you stoppable.

THAT is the way I live my life. I don't allow myself to dwell on things that prevent me from happiness.

Self-Love: Body Image

I'm just going to be honest. I really like to eat. I love to eat. I love to cook. I love to share my food. I love to call myself a fatty. And you better believe I can eat and enjoy a large sized stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut BY MY SELF.

I'm 5'5" and I weight close to 135 (I typically fluctuate between 125-140).

I'm not fat. I'm also not the skinniest person around.

I don't eat the healthiest meals. I eat out quite frequently because it is convience for me and it isn't always the healieat choice.

I try to eat healthy things. I try to excersise regularly and I've found things that work for me. I try to get as many good nutrients in my body.

But let's be real for a second, I'm NOT going to change the way the way I've been eating my whole entire life anytime super soon. Eating is part of my culture. It is how I can show my appreciation for the people I love. Cooking and baking are things I do because I love being creative in that way. The way I eat is much more than an "unhealthy diet" or whatever some mean vegan might call it. I eat meat. I like sugar. Bacon will always be known as a staple in my fridge.

I'm so over seeing all this hate over body image. Ok cool, you are curvy and beautiful. Ok neat, you are fit and gorgeous. CAN'T ONE JUST BE BEAUTIFUL? CAN'T ONE JUST BE GOEGEOUS? 

Aesthetics. Preference. Healthy.

WHATEVER!

I just want to know that the people I love are happy. That those people are loved. 

If those people are physically unhealthy that they get help. That if those people that are mentally unhealthy that they get help.

I'm so over this war over body image and what someone SHOULD look like. Just over it. I just want people to feel confident. I want people to BE good people and treat people in a positive way. I want to see more motivation and less judgement.

I just want people to have that self-love.

That's all.

Should've, Could've BUT Didn't

So I was at the grocery store today buying my 3/$10 Arrowhead water and I notice a very attractive fellow.  VERY attractive. For those that know my type and my caliber of men...YOU KNOW this person was attractive. Not to toot my own horn but TOOT (gosh darn naggit) TOOT, I WAS LOOKING VERY ATTRACTIVE TOO! Oh yes I was! And he caught a glimpse of me and I knowww he thought I was cute. You just pick up on these things. However, we were in two different lines (curse my impatient nature) and the girls infront of me were taking too long (seriously...you don't know that your propane tank can't be put on the convayer belt?) and while I should have gone chasing after him to ask for his number I instead gave the snack I bought for this homeless man I see quite frequently (darn my good nature).

Well, that's the end of that story. No real lesson. No real story. Just wanted to vent and tell you that Arrowhead water is on sale at Von's for 3/$10. Hahaha. 

#ForeverAlone 

Womanly Insecurities

I work in retail. I know a thing or two about boosting an ego. I do it on the daily. "That makes you look so gorgeous! I am loving your body. It is like--VAH VAH VAH VOOM! You seriously need to buy this dress because if you don't, I'm you buy it for you!" Yes, I'm that sales person (FYI, I don't make commission). However, I don't always make those comments because I like to be honest with my customers. "No. Just no. Put something else on. You want me to be honest? The other one is nicer and it is cheaper. Buy that one." Why? Why am I honest? Because being honest is just the type of person I am. And the more they really love the items you helped them choose the more likey you will have a repeat customer on your hands. And I LOVE repeat customers. 

Do you know what I love most though? I love giving women the chance to feel beautiful again. Some women come into the store having a terrible day, month, year... They come in expecting to just buy one thing for an event they have to go to and end up leaving with so much more. I've had women crying in dresses because they actually feel beautiful...and it is because I got them to feel that way. Shopping can be very therapeutic (especially if you have me selling you clothes Teehee). I mean, yes it is stressful when you can't seem to find exactly what you want to wear...but there are times that putting on the right outfit and having someone else verify that you look as good as you think you do--Honey, let me tell you it is the best feelings ever! And it hurts to see how broken some of these women's spirits are. They say things like, "My pooch is hanging out." "Look at my fat jiggle." "I look like a stuffed sausage." And to those statements I have to look them in the eye and remind them, "You know what? No. You are NOT fat. You are beautiful. There is no fat shaming here." And it isn't only the bigger women that feel self-conscience about things. I've had rail thin girls complain about not having breasts to fill dresses out, being so thing that it looks like they are drowning in the dress, that things make them look thinner... And bustier women who feel like their cleavage is too much, that the shirt draws too much attention to their breasts even though they are full covered. At the end of the day, we all have these insecurities. And as women, we really need to not point out the flaws of our peers. I might have a pimple on my face. You don't have to notify me of the huge spot on my face that is glowing red even with make-up over it because guess what...I SAW IT ALREADY. Shocked? Because you shouldn't be--IT IS ON MY FACE!

Let's just be courteous of the other women we encounter. You have your soft spots and she has her own. So be uplifting, be encouraging and be kind.

Low Points

This is just a little something I've learned recently about really low points in your life:

Things will be hard. You will have really low moments in your life. You will reach moments so low that you might even end up on your knees, crying, speaking to God and asking, "What should I be doing?!" (Oh wait...maybe that last one is only me) 

Just remember when you calm down enough:

Things will be better. You will be better. Time will pass and you will learn and grow. You will adjust, and settle, and adjust again. That is what LIFE is, I think. Finding ways through all of your heartaching mistakes, letdowns, faults and problems to that moment of clarity. Those moments when things just click. Those sighs of relief after you get good news after what feels like a marathon of sadness. Those overwhelming jolts of happiness when you have accomplished something. Those moments when you feel at peace. It's like being sore after a really good workout. It hurts to push through your whole workout and you are still really sore afterwards but there will be rewards far greater than the temporary pain! NEWSFLASH: pain is only temporary. Unfortubately, there will always be that new something, that new problem or problems that stretches your capacity far more. But you will learn to thrive. Sometimes you might have to let things go. You might just have to revel in the pain and learn. 

Learn to embrace those things that will always feel unfinished. Those things that you felt you couldn't fix. Those things you never got to do. Those things you wish you would have said or done. You just have to learn to accept it all. This is where you are in life right now. This is where you got yourself. Accept it. Learn from it. Embrace it.

You are on the edge of an unwritten portion of your life. Stand strong. You will survive. You will get through this. 

You will be happy. 

You will be happy. 

You WILL be happy.

And when it comes to living life filled with love "Be truthful, be gentle, and be fearless."

-H

If I Told My Friends I am in a Relationship...

I wrote a funny little note about this before and tagged some of my friends and we all had a good laugh about the zombie apocalypse starting. So I thought a little bit more about this and came up with another list.

IF I was in a relationship people that knew me would...

1) Think the zombie apocalypse is upon us!!!

2) Think, "ABOUT GOSH DARN TIME!!!"

3) "So-And-So" looked cuter.

4) Where does she find these guys?/ Where does she find these HOT guys?

5) Say something along the lines of, "I give it a couple months before she says that she doesn't want to be with him anymore."

6) Think, "Wait...Is she pregnant?"

7) Say, "BAHAHAHAHA! ...Wait, you're not joking?"

8) Say, "It's like 3am...Stop joking."

9) Think, "Lol! Poor dude..."

10) Awe, Hya's ACTUALLY IN a relationship.

BONUS: BUT LIKE REALLY THOUGH! Zombies are probably upon us!!!

-Hya

So, I think it is time to put on the big girl pants and actually look for a person to be in a relationship with(cue the serious music DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!). I honestly believe I'm completely ready for that. I mean, I love dating people! I really do! Going out, having fun. Dating is great! But a little voice in the back of my head is shouting at me because--well, I've never been in a relationship. Maybe it is because I've told myself for years that being single is fun and exciting and maybe I've fully convinced myself that being someone's girlfriend isn't for me.

Now, now--this has always been by choice and I am known for pushing people away. I always thought that God was going to send me signs as to who I was suppose to date and whether or not a person is the right person for me. Little did I know that I would have to learn those signs by my lonesome and pick up on the subtle cues. Unfortunately, due to my amazing denial of someone actual feeling something other than extreme closeness to me--I've missed out on plenty of times to be someone's girlfriend. Now, to give myself some credit--my ways of thinking have also lead to great conversations with guys about not wanting to be a sexualized object, about being a priority in someone else's life and the list goes on... And I've stopped myself from entering into things I wasn't ready for.

None of this means that I will be out there looking desperately for Mr. Right. Oh no, I'll be out there dating around and having fun with guys that seem nice enough. I mean, you have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find Prince Charming. Lol. I'm just going to be open to the thought of being in a relationship. I've never really allowed myself the chance to think that way. It has always been, "Don't be serious. This all just for fun," But I guess I've realized that at some point you have to stop playing because other people don't think it's a game (I honestly feel like one person was actually pretty mad at me for that reason). So, I'll be out there--dating a bunch of people. With this new mindset. Hopefully I will keep an open mind about relationships. We'll see. 

-H

About Being Single

There are times when I have asked, "Why not me? Why am I single? Do I not deserve love?" I hate to say that these questions are typically if me to ponder but unfortunately it is the truth.

If you've known me for a while then you know that I am an advocate for having fun when you are young. I have stated plenty of times that when you are twenty-something you should be out there figuring out who you are and what you want--that dating should be lighthearted and fun. By no means have I ever been an advocate of no dating until you are thirty five (but to my little ones that are reading this, I do suggest not dying until you are at least sixteen).

These ideas that I don't only preach but live by have been my life for my whole entire life thus far. And I don't think that it is the ONLY reason that I've always been single.

For a very long time I had given up on an ideal romantic partner. It isn't because I'm not loved enough. I have enough love in my life. Quite honestly, it is probably because a lot of the love that I've experienced has been tolerance and acceptance. For me, I have always felt as if I have given a lot more love than I have received. And most of the time I have been happy to be the more loving person but there are definitely times when I have felt taken for granted.

Anyhow, none of this has ever discouraged me from dating and being affectionate. I'm a very caring person. I am the the type of person that will root for you in everything that you attempt to do if that is what makes you happy and a better person. But as the person who has always been for lighthearted and fun dating it has been hard for me to really take any of these "relationships" too seriously.

Dating someone is an amazing way to really get to know yourself and for your own personal growth. You figure out what you like, what you don't like, how to take another person's interests into consideration, how to really manage your time with other people, finding a balence in your life, how your actions effect other people--there are just so many things.

I love dating. I love going out on dates. But building a relationship--that is hard for me when it comes to a romantic relationship. It isn't just because I get too scared of something serious or because I like being serious. I am just that accustomed to this idea that keeping things lighthearted and fun--And it's difficult for me to cut ties with it.

I've stated plenty of times that I want a serious relationship. And I've been very close to being in them. When it comes down to it--I have let go of my ideas of "lighthearted and fun" before I go into something more serious. My ideas of lighthearted and fun are dating a lot of people. Getting to know those people. Having fun with those people. But ALWAYS keeping them at a good distance away from my heart. And I've hurt myself and a few good men because of this.

So while I might still be doing the whole lighthearted and fun dating thing right now I think I have really opened up to the idea that I can be in a serious relationship.

The way I came around to this idea is because I was recently dating someone who made me feel really special. And he really did change my mind about some of my dating habits. I do want to still date around but I want to be really selective in who I talk to. I want those people to make me feel giddy and ladylike. I want to be the couple that other people smile at because we are that cute around each other. I don't know--maybe I have dated enough to really know what I need to be happy in a relationship. I really have a good notion of who I am now too.

It isn't like I'm just going to stop being very lighthearted and fun about dating but...I'm also not going to be so Loosey Goosey about everything now. We'll see.

I missed you.

I absolutely love those words. They are words that can mean so much more than, "I love you." So much more. In an "I missed you" there is vulnerability and honesty--two things that build a connection with people. If you've ever heard a pained "I missed you" from anyone, you know exactly what I am talking about. You can hear an "I missed you" and feel the relief that you weren't alone in missing someone or the overwhelming feeling of adoration that has been pent up from being away.

The Greatest Glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising everytime you fall.

Happy

For right now, my only goal is to be really happy. I try not to think too hard about it all. Because there are plenty of things that make me happy. There are different categories of what makes me happy: Personal Realationships, Finacial Funds, Education, Social Activities, Personal Growth...

I'm not trying to be anything but happy. I just want to be me.

Confidence

This is a no make-up selfie. Why? Because I feel confident enough to post it. Because I feel beautiful with or without make-up. Because make-up and my hair do not define me. People and their opinions of me do not define me. I define me. My descisions and my actions define me. My words and my reactions define me. I am beautiful and I am confident--that declaration should be enough evidence to prove it so.

-H

Forgotten

It scares me to believe that there are times I'm going to forget people and events that mean a lot to me now. The way things feel. The way they smell. What it is like when you are there with that person or in that place.

And sure, to forget means that the longing for that person or thing less than it was before--thus making it easier to move on. But...for things and people that really matter... I don't want to forget.

"About Me"

I like to think I'm unforgettable

And that time with me is unsurmountable. 

That all the things I once did overshadow those that dare to take my place. 

That somehow they are reigned insignificant in comparison to me.

That my laugh--

My smile--

My voice still lingers. 

That memories of me are etched into your brain like a wooden carving--

Dug deep into the layers that are you,

Detailed with the image of me.

No matter the short amount of time spent with you.

I doubt you could ever could forget. 

I'm not just anyone.

I'm me.

And that to you should mean something.

My Faults

I speak WAAAY too loudly

I speak without thinking

I say inappropriate things at inappropriate times

I space out

I easily forget

I talk over people

I speak too much about myself

I ignore my friends when dating someone new

I spend way too much time over analyzing things

I go shopping way too often

I spend too much money on other people

I compare myself to too many people

I do what I want without consulting other people

My Body

No filter. No edits. Just me.

For a while I wasn't in love with my body. Now, I'm still not 100% happy with my body--HOWEVER, I do love my body. 

Look, this is a pretty risky photo. "OMG! She's shirtless!" Um...bathing suits are basically underwear. So it is ok for me to parade around in a bikini on the beach or on a stage but I can't post this? Here's the thing, I took this photo not because I wanted to send it to someone I am currently dating or because I wanted attention. No. I took this picture because I was changing into jeans and a t-shirt and felt 100% in love with my body. ONE HUNDERED PERCENT. Seriously, I wish I was dating someone because quite honestly I really did want to share my love for my body with someone. So here it my declaration to my body--I LOVE YOU. 

In all seriousness, I haven't been in love with my body recently. I have been fat shaming myself for a while now. For those of you that don't know what fat shaming is it is the act of verbally or mentally putting you or someone else down for not being at any desired weight or shape.

Now, I know of plenty of reasons as to why I have been fat shaming but the main reason boils down to one deadly sin--envy. Envy: (noun) a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

I envy all of my friends that have been really working hard towards getting a really great body. I envy those that at naturally thin. I envy those that I follow on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. I envy my fellow pageant sisters during a swimsuit portion. I have been envying every girl that dates someone I have previously dated.

Since I have been really working on just me--completely ignoring all of those feeling of envy and really trying hard to convert that envy into empowerment...I've been feeling much better about myself.

Envy into enpowerment is a new thing I thought of to help me cope with my situation. Instead of putting down myself, I empower the other person by complimenting them or even just simply liking their photo. Simple compliments like, "WOW! You look amazing!" Or "Get it girl!" For me there is a true reward in seeing someone's face light up at an honest compliment. Of course, I have slipped up and felt bad for myself on occasion but with time I am sure that it will fade. 

Here's where I started with this new thing: I unfollowed, deleted, blocked, ignored all the things that made me doubt myself. Those things being fitness posts, people that weren't exactly making me feel good about myself, other people's progress pictures--blah blah blah. After I did that I changed my bio on Instagram to, "Just do you, boo." A mantra I had said to plenty of people and to myself when self-doubt happened.

That was just the start. And it was great. It helped but I still found those people or hashtags in my recent searches. So what I had to do was really focus on me. Me, me, me. That is where I am at right now. I'm really giving myself some time to just remember why I find myself beautiful. For all the skin-deep reasons and more.

I love my body. For all my flaws. For all my weaknesses. For all the things I am working towards improving. And I have been slowly but surely been inching my way back to REEEALLY improving my physic.  But hey, I have self-love and that is enough...for now. ;)

"You are beautiful."

"You are beautiful," he said.

Words only family had told me.

Words only those who wanted something from me had said.

Words that up until that moment I TRUELY didn't understand.

Words I still try to comprehend--

Because still to this day I struggle to really believe that one statement:

YOU are beautiful.

You--As in me.

Me--at the time I was 21 and still had never been touched by a man.

I had never been in love.

I never learned what love was and how to let the other person feel that way.

I pulled away from kisses.

I held hands at a distance.

Saying no to anything that was unfamiliar and made me FEEL for another person because I had no idea that I could ever live up to this statement people said:

You are beautiful.

Drilled into my head--

This statement.

That somehow I was entitled to this thing called--

Beauty.

A genetic lottery.

A chance.

It was something that wasn't earned.

Something that I put no work towards.

It just was.

So I tried to accept it.

But the more people said--

You are beautiful.

The more of a fact it became.

The more I took it for granted.

You are--

Beautiful: A category that at the tender age of four  I owned and somewhere along my later years I lost.

The ownership of the phrase was lost to my world.

My world at a young age--

Where Britney and Christina wore crop tops.

Where you were either baby, sporty, scary, posh or a ginger.

Where to be with Aaron Carter you had to be blonde and beautiful.

A world where beautiful wasn't enough.

You had to be a specific type of beautiful.

You had to have a specific look.

But still I kept hearing--

You are beautiful.

And I told other people that same statement.

I saw in them what others had seen in me.

Beauty.

Sometimes it was skin deep.

But other times I wanted them to really hear me.

Because I watched a young pageant girl call herself fat.

A girl that was smart, naturally gorgeous, and physically fit.

A girl who was BEAUTIFUL.

So I said to her,

"You are--beautiful."

And I made her repeat that she had beauty.

And I made her say it say it again.

And again.

And when she took home the crown I asked her, "What are you?"

She looked back at me and smiled.

She stated her title--then added, "I am beautiful."

21 years it took me.

Twenty. One. Years.

He said it to me after a date.

A tender moment that only he and I would ever really know about.

"You are beautiful."

I had done beauty pageants.

I had walked on catwalks.

I had been in plays.

But I still had trouble accepting the compliment.

So he said it again,

"You are beautiful."

It was summer.

I had little makeup on.

I wasn't dressed up.

I just--was.

And as much as I wanted to accept the compliment with a sarcastic remark I didn't.

"You are beautiful."

I went home and sent him a message about how gorgeous another woman was.

How I wanted to look as beautiful as she was.

And he was mad.

"You are beautiful."

And he went on to say that I wasn't acting like the girl he was liking.

Because--

You are beautiful.

Was still just a fact I had no ownership of.

And so I thought:

Who was the girl he was liking?

And what was beauty?

She--as in me--had beauty.

She was confident.

She did not view herself as above or below anyone else.

She had an essance that was completely her.

She didn't care if she laughed too hard or too loud.

She ate what she wanted.

She loved her body.

She was content.

She--as in me--was beautiful.

So with him--I re-learned the statement

"You are beautiful."

A statement I am still getting to know.

Because I am no longer four-years-old.

I have an idea of what I THINK beauty should be.

And there were others after him that said the statement.

And there will still be others that will say the same words.

But I have learn to say those words to myself.

I have say it with intensity and believe that it is more than just a statement.

I have to regain ownership of the statement:

"You are beautiful."

Because I am beautiful.

And I am more than a statement.

I am more than a fact.

I am more than just words.

I am more.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

And I have to celebrate that fact.

The more that ordinary fact is celebrated--the less ordinary it is.

Because beauty should be celebrated.

I will yell it to the world.

I will tell myself quietly.

I will pass my reflection and own the fact that

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

That way I will not need someone to remind me:

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I will know it.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I will cherish it.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I will share it.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

and everyone will know.

One last thing,

I just needed you to know--

YOU...are beautiful.

I really don't appreciate...

I really don't appreciate when people say things like, "Oh, you didn't eat?" "Why don't you eat?" "You never eat." First off, when I hear these statements I'm getting food or have already eaten. I'm sorry, but you aren't me. You don't know what I've consumed. You don't know if I'm hungry or not. You don't know what my body needs. So back up. This is my life.

I am not anorexic. Frankly, I don't think I could ever go a day without food. I love it too much. IF you know me, you should know the massive amounts of food I can consume. 

Another thing I don't appreciate is when people don't understand why I am upset over hearing this. Would you be upset if someone were to call you a liar? Or how about fat? Because people who say those statements to me aren't only calling me anorexic but they are also calling me a liar.

I'm skinny. I'm not the skinniest person out there--probably because I eat so gosh darn much. I try to work out. I try to eat healthy. I try to hard to loose the little bit of belly fat I have. Not because I want to be anorexic but I want to be healthy. So excuse YOU. For making me feel bad over wanting to be healthy. I was just trying to eat. And the fact that other people don't see this as being rude, you should really reconsider this.

There was a time in my life where I would hide food. I wouldn't eat. I was completely ignored. It was middle school and I was lost. I was in a new place. My parents weren't always around. I just wanted someone to care. To notice. After gaining a few pounds from caving in and finally eating, a lightbulb went off in my head. Realization--no one cares when you really need them too. Typically, people notice you when it is too late.

So yeah, if I get angry about it--you should feel bad. I do a lot to maintain my body in a healthy way. I don't need to be skinny-shamed by people who constantly tear me down. I am beautiful. Inside and out. Some people just don't see it. They might when it is too late.

Dear Almost Lover,

My hope for you is that you continue being the person I found--That man that had all the confidence in the world to start talking to a crazy woman like me. Continue to have a smile that could ease my mind of all my little worries. Continue to be persistent and never settle for less than what you want--or deserve. Continue working towards happiness. Continue doing what you love--even if it makes other people unhappy. Continue looking for love. I honestly hope it finds you.

An Open Letter To Girls Who Think I Want Their Man

A few weeks ago I began to understand why someone would cheat.  The word is so taboo and for a lot of people there is a bad connotation to it.  I empathize with some who have had terrible memories.  Again, I say some.  Frankly, half of the time I don't give two cents.  My reaction: Ok, it happened.  Move on.

The thing you need to understand about me is I will understand where you are coming from but if you don't understand all points of views of the situation or even consider it--Well, I don't think you deserve my empathy.

GETTING TO THE POINT OF THIS MESSAGE--For some odd reason, I sense hostility from girls who are "in a relationship" with someone I fancied for a while.  Listen, I don't need your man.  I've been single all my twenty-two years of life on this planet.  I can be single for another five without feeling bad about myself.  So you don't have to worry about me.  Look, he's yours and if not provoked by that person to start something up again--I'm not "taking your man," ok?  I don't need another problem in my life.  I have plenty to sort out already.

If you were hurt by someone before and feel like your man is trying to "get at me" in any way or I am "trying to take your man" in any way--Honey, you MUST be thinking about someone else.  Look, all the people I've ever really liked or have dated are amazing men in their own right.  I mean, have some of them cheated?  Yeah.  They have admitted that to me.  I don't know if they have disclosed that information to you but if you can't handle that--maybe you have to leave.  I'm saying that for your own benefit.

The times I've stopped talking to any man is typically because I want more and they don't or the other way around or things just get stale, maybe they just aren't ready for it or they think I'm not serious or believe in relationships.  There are plenty of excuses.  I don't do excuses.  So I say bye.  And you know, I usually have them wondering where things went wrong.  And that is a great question.  Quite honestly, I don't think things ever go wrong but it is because it is the wrong timing.  And look, it worked out for you right?  You have him in a position that I never got to.  So explain to me, why am I a threat?

But whatever.  You still probably hate me.  I don't care.  My mummzy taught me to give my old toys to the less fortunate.

BYEEEEEEEE!

About My Blog

For a while I had taken this blog off of my Instagram page.  I had a feeling that someone I use to know was reading it.  On my blog is a lot of things that this person would understand because it is about them.  After going through my stats on my blogs i feel like it was probably the person I think it was or their current significant other.  I guess this post is to ease the minds of those that read it.

I write on this blog very heavily unfiltered versions of what I could have, would have, should have said to people in my past present or future.  And I typically write these things because I feel strongly about it or I am just overly emotional about it.

I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone feel uncomfortable.  I just feel like venting and writing things down is a whole lot easier for me than me telling it to a friend.  I am able to collect my thoughts better this way and this blog is more for my personal use than it is for entertainment or educational purposes.

This blog is about me and my thinking.  So if you don't like it.  Don't read it.

"When someone asks me what's wrong my instant reaction is to lie and say everything is fine, despite how crap I really feel"

-Breakfast Club

Tell me--how did things that came before you turn into things that remind me of you? How is it that every time I forget about you--somehow you make me remember? I'm obsessed. And it is so hard for me because even though I don't want you any more--I can't help but feel weak at the sound of your name. 

"Coming Back for More"

I just wanna say, I'm so sorry.

I'm waiting by the door,

Hoping that you'll be coming back for more.

I know I said some things

I was running scared

But can't you please come back and for--

Every second when my heart skips a beat for you.

All the gorgeous places we went to.

& For every thing we've yet to do.

Baby--

We'd talk about what our life has been like

I know your secrets and your wildest dreams

Now tell me, please--

When you see me does your heart still skip beat?

Do you think of me at places we use to meet?

Am I still that girl you want to be with?

Cause I just wanna say, I'm so sorry

I'm waiting by the door

Hoping you'll be rushing back for more.

LET. GO.

Let. Go.

They've all moved on and you do too.  You need to stop being a little brat about this whole entire thing and you need to just live your life the way you want.  You need too honey.  I mean, it isn't just your fault that things didn't work out.  It's not.  It just wasn't meant to be.  All those guys just were not meant to stayin your life.  You've learned lessons from them right?  Cool.  Now you just need to reverse out of the parking lot of "Boys from Hya's Past" and you need to drive your butt to "Men of Hya's Future" because you have evolved from all of that right?

Step One: No saying their names
Just don't do it anymore.  Just no.  They don't love you.  They might have been close at some point in their time with you.  They might even regret things they could have done with you but Hya, They. Don't. Care. Anymore.  They are not your boy anymore.  They are not even your friend.

Step Two: Detox
Girl, you have already started the beginning stages of you detox.  You--my friend--have a few more things you need to get rid of before becoming 100% rid of all things that are bad for you.  Remember when you had to do this for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?  Yeah, we're back to that baby girl  You haven to delete. Delete. Delete.  They are no longer part of your future until such time that they come back willingly and on their own terms.  You DO. NOT. Get to be the person that walks in on their life again.  You know that you are so notorious for doing that.  Things will be going just peachy for them and you have to come along and mess things up for them again.  No.  You do not get to do that.  You are bad.  You are just bad for them.  They are bad for you.  You try to add them again and bad things will just happen.  Really bad things.  NO.

Step Three:
Hya--Come on.  Who are you?  You are Hya.  You are confident.  You are gorgeous.  Your best mile time was under 7 minutes.  Hya.  Come. On.  What happened to that chick who was just so gosh darn VIBRANT and just WOW?  Because quite honestly I miss that chick.  She was super cool  The best part about her was that she didn't need a man.  No.  She was perfectly ok with being single.  Not only was she ok with it but some might even say that she preferred it.  She held her own ground.

Step Four:
No.  Really.  Let. It. Go.  You've written and deleted so many posts about this one person in particular.  You've dated other people since this person and yet here you are still pissed that you messed things up.  Guess what.  Things happen. They just do.  We all make mistakes.  We all have people in our past.  It is hard but we get passed it.

Step Five:
You will find someone.  If you honestly believe that you wont find someone.  This is you reminding YOU that just got hit on by SEVERAL men today.  Just today.  You are gorgeous and a catch.  You were taking photos outside of the restaurant and they literally stopped in their tracks for you.  You were walking back to your car today and you were stopped TWICE.  You were asked the time by some random man who just wanted to know your name.  You.  Are.  A.  Catch.  Any man who dares to tell you anything different is a pain that you don't need and by removing them from your life you just created one less problem in you life.  Because let's be real girl  YOU HAVE PROBLEMS coming from left and right.  You don't need another one.

Step Six:
When you see them again/If you see them again... Just be you.  And if they happen to fall for you now...Well, you better make DAMN SURE that they are worthy of you.  I don't care how much you missed them.  I don't care how much they beg to have you back.  If they are not worthy to have you back you BEST have some amazing reason as why they are back in your life.

Why Am I Happy?

A question I get a lot from people that may or may not really know me too well is, "Why are you so happy all the time?"  And it dawned on me that I have never really answered this question in full detail.

At church on Easter Sunday (I promise this isn't all about religion), Father Pat said something that I once heard as a child which is basically this, "There are certain people you encounter and they are genuinely happy and radiant and it just feels great to be around them.  They are people of God and live their lives through him.  Through God they find happiness and comfort."  I nearly cried when I heard this because it is something I've tried to do my whole entire life.  I've always tried to be a better person and be a shinning light on the world.  I want to leave this world knowing that I lived a happy life.

Now, my life has not been a life without struggle.  My family struggles every day.  I struggle every day but when life seems like it is getting too much for me to handle I say this in my prayers, "I thank you Lord for my faults and for my weaknesses...For all the struggle and strife I have witnessed and endured--Through this I find comfort in your divine love and the bond I have is strengthened."

For my friends that don't understand my faith or faith in general that statement sounds like a whole bunch of "poppy cock" but that is really how I believe.  As silly as it may seem to those that don't believe, I find my happiness in the comfort of knowing that I am not and will never be alone.  It quite honestly makes me feel stronger and happier.

Ok, so religion isn't the only thing that has taught me how to continuously be happy and positive.  I learned a long time ago that being upset will not produce many friends.  Being closed off will not bring many people to you. Being a person that people want to be around, that will not only bring people into your life but it will make your life better. Being happy is a choice. You have to bring yourself to make active descisions that will make your life happier.

I have made plenty of friends in my life time.  It is easy for me to make friends.  I don't have fear of rejection of these people that don't know me.  I don't need their approval to make me happy.  I just want to get to know them because they could make my life a little bit happier or even better--I could make their life a little bit happier.  I like making people happy.  Working retail, when someone finds bridesmaid dresses or better yet a wedding dress--it is the happiest moment for me.  Like, you have no idea.  Happiness is so contagious that I love surrounding myself with people that make me happier.

If you want to be happier, this is the trick that has worked wonders for me: Just do you. Surround yourself with things that make you happy, people that make you happy, work that makes you happy.  Do things for you.  But don't stop there, do thing for other people.  Give people more than what they ask for or what they think they deserve.  Be the light and change you want to see in the world. Trust me.  You might not always be happy but you will live a happier life.

<3

New Day

In a few minutes it will be 12am, 04/17/2014.

For the past...few years I've been so unhappy. And I've made some huge mistakes in trying to get to what I thought was me being happy. Well, I'm approaching a new day. A new mark really. 

My List To A Happier Me:

-Feel Beautiful

-Be Confident

-Stop Faking It

-Rest More

-Excersise

-Give People More Than You Think They Deserve

-Smile More

-Say, "Love" More

-Fall In Love With As Many Things As Possible

-See What You Want & Let Yourself Have It

-Don't Have Big Regrets

-Let Others Know You Are Happy

Here's to a happier me. :)

-HJG

We'll hide from the world...just you and I. Forget fame...So long as you're my man and I'm your dame. We'll rob this world blind, I'll follow you 'til the end. Lead me straight to death & I'll be your best friend.

I'm the type of girl to do your laundry, cook for you and watch ESPN without complaint.

I don't mind cleaning or fixing the bed. I like being lazy on Sunday morning and just doing nothing but kick back and have a beer. I'll be the girl your friends say, "I like this chick," because they want me to come out and hang out too.

I won't be the girl your friends make fun of you for. I'm not going to hold you back. I'm not the type of girl to be walked over. I do not participate in drug use. I do not have time to party every night.

I will motivate you. I will tell you when you are wrong and I will accept when I am at fault. I will be on your right side for business events. You make your check and I'll make mine.

I'm not trying to compete with you. I'm just doing me. It is the only thing I'm sure about.

Happy

Well today was a bad day and I'm determined to make it better. 

I'm 22. I have a job. I do go to school full time. I volunteer for school and for the community of San Diego. I have no car. I have no computer of my own. My family has met my friends. Yes, my room is a disgusting mess. And yes, I do come home late at night. But I'm doing a lot. My planner is my best friend right now. And I'm working with what I've got. 

I don't have a car. So I have to get a ride when I go out. And 98% of the time we don't get home until after 2am. I get busy and I hate doing laundry. I have enough clothes to get me through two months if I didn't want to do laundry. I do a couple of loads but never put them away... Oops? If I was sharing my room with someone...ok, I'd work "laundry" into my schedule but the top 5 priority list does not include those line items. 

Want to know what my schedule looked like last Tuesday after the van I normally drive broke down and I was forced to use my dad's car?

8am: Get ready for work.

9am: Work.

3pm: Go home

3:30pm: Drive mom to work.

4:15pm: Finish up homework at Coffee Bean.

5:30pm: Go to class

9:30pm: Leave school

10pm: Pick up Dad.

11pm: Finish homework.

2am: Sleep

I had a meeting at 11am the next morning.

I mean, can you blame me for wanting to just sleep? Can you blame me for not wanting to feel motivated to do laundry?

By 22 my brothers had a lot more than I do. Cars, computers...their own apartments. They had a lot more freedom without having to prove themselves. I feel like I have proven myself to be a good person. But I'm still having to prove myself...

Proof. I constantly feel like I have to prove something to my family. 

-That I'm smart enough

-That I'm strong enough

-That I'm x, y and z

It's a lot. And even though I've made strides to not feeling that way...there are low moments in my life where I just don't feel good enough. And sure it has made me a stronger person and sure my family loves me but there is still something about that just makes me so angry.

I'm the only girl. I'm the youngest.  Why does it feel like is have to constantly prove to them that I'm not just this 6 year old anymore?

...

I'm mad at you. Yeah, you apologized and I believe you and I understand and blah blah blah. BUT like I said earlier, I'm really busy and I have important stuff to be done so when you make a commitment with a set time you have to understand that I will be there at that location at that said time. I mean, paying for my gas and "making it up to me" will not make me feel better. I really wanted to hang out with you today. I blew off a meeting for you today! I mean, I'm working around your schedule ALL THE TIME! You don't even consider coming down for me... Which quite honestly, pisses me of. Make an effort. I'm starting to get annoyed.

My whole life...

My whole life has been a compilation of thoughts and ideals molded by the ones I have let into my life and the educational system I have become a part of. My life as been an active learning journey of scrapes and bruises and deep cuts. I have fallen and gotten back up. I have been hit and kept moving forward. I've taken blows that were so low and dirty by people that I've loved so deeply. Unfortunately I have also been the person who has hurt other people. I have thought I was right when I was wrong but I have learned. I have learned. I have the ability to learn more and I will continue to learn more because if I stop learning, there is no growth and when we stop growing, then Darwinism kicks in. I have built myself up, knocked myself down and built myself up again. And every single time I have learned. And I have enjoyed this life and I have enjoyed learning. I have enjoyed the people that I let into my life and the people who had the strength to stay in it. I'm in love with my life and what it has become and what it will. I'm in love with my life because I have loved so many things and I'm not afraid to love. <3

About Me

Here is a list of things you might or might not know about me.

1) I get really excited about random things.

2) I get really loud when I'm excited.

3) I'm really loud in general.

4) If I'm quite, there probably isn't anything wrong.

5) If I'm quite, there is still a possibility something is wrong.

6) If I'm quite, I'm probably sleepy.

7) I droll when I sleep.

8) I sometimes snore.

9) I've never ever been in a relationship...ever.

10) On my mother's side of the family I have 19 older cousins and several "nieces" and "nephew's" that seem to keep popping out.

11) On my father's side of the family I have 16 cousins.

12) I have a HUGE family.

13) My favorite color is blue.

14) My nicknames are "Hya" & "Higgy" but I will also respond to "Karate Chop" & "Asian Barbie"

15) I was born in Merced, Ca

16) I can milk a cow.

17) I like to act.

18) God saved me.

19) I love the beach.

20) I'm scared of the future.

21) I know a lot of nothing.

22) I really want to have my palms read.

23) I like massages.

24) I like to scratch backs and heads.

25) I believe in hand-ups but rarely hand-outs.

26) I'm a semi-secretive nerd.

27) I'm a pretty good lie detector.

28) I consider myself emotionally intelligent.

29) I'd be an awesome person to be in a relationship with but alas...I am pretty sure I'm cursed.

5 Reasons for a Bodybuilder to Date a Pageant Girl & 10+ ReasonsWhy Regular Guys/Nerds Are Better

Body Builder:

1) We can get spray tans together

2) We can practice our walk & poses together

3) We can train & eat right together

4) We'd be a great looking couple

5) We could attend each other's events

Why Regular Guys Are More Fun:

1) We can eat the unhealthiest thing possible if I don't get a crown.

2) Instead of waking up at the crack of dawn to workout, we can stay in a snuggle.

3) Salt. Butter. Any processed amazingness.

4) He will have an actual job that isn't "Fitness Model" ...on Instagram. 

5) He would skip the gym to stay home and watch Netflix with me.

6) He can still go running with me but doesn't pressure me to workout.

7) We'd still be a great looking couple.

8) He will not compare his build to "bigger" guys.

9) There is a better chance that he likes the same geeky/nerdy movies that I do.

10) Vacation time is vacation time. Not working out is fine with him.

11) Theme park food is the best food and the fatter we get the happier we are. We'll worry about it later.

12) Fair food. We'll worry about it later.

13) I know he likes me for my dorky personality and not just my pretty face.

14) He is probably as big as a nerd as I am. Probably more of a nerd...

15) They want to travel to places other than Vegas.

16) He will know how to cook my favorite lasagna and be nice enough to cook it for me when I'm sick or upset (or at least buy the huge Stoffer's version and share half with me).

Not That Long Ago...

Not that long ago I learned some very valuable lessons.

1.) Invest your time in things you want to be doing. If you aren't happy, change it.

2.) If you don't feel like a priority, if you don't feel wanted...leave.

3.) There is time. You just have to figure out what is important and do that first. Everything else will just fall into place.

The best lessons come from the worst memories. 

Five Years From Now...

I'm 22. In five years I will be 27. The question I am asking myself is, "Who are you five years from now?"

Five years from now my answer will be:

I'm Hyacinth. I'm 27. I'm an event quardinator for a corporate law firm and do work with several non-profits. I'm a graduate of Chapman University. I have a degree in Business Management and Marketing. I live in an apartment in LA. I have a dog named Theodore Bear but I can call him Teddy. I tend to make $90,000-$110,000 annually. I plan on buying a buisness soon. If I could go back five years from now, I'd tell myself to keep pushing forward because you are doing just what you need to be doing.

Chase & Release

A lot of people chase after who they want in their life. "You see what you want, you go after it" type of mentality. I guess what I wanted to blog about was letting go of the chase. 

Chasing is fun when it is a game. I run, you catch and release. I tag you, you tag me. My favorite line about chasing comes from My Best Friend's Wedding with Julia Roberts where she is chasing after the guy and her gay bestie is on the phone with her. "You're chasing him, he's chasing her but who is chasing you?" So, who is chasing you?

Most of us have chased after people that didn't chase us back. We think we are playing a two person game but in reality we are up against the CP. CP in this case being the "crazy person" in our head. We make up stories and outcomes of what we think might happen if we just do this or just say that. We make excuses for those people we chase when they don't chase us back. Stop making excuses. Realize that you aren't being chased anymore. Move. On. Find someone who is willing to chase you.

Beauty Fades

Now, I'm going to be completely honest on this blog and the stuff I type might seem harsh or hopefully to the people that are like-minded (aka AWESOME) will understand where I'm coming from.

Beauty, that fit body, that nice behind...yeah, I don't care how fit you are going to be when you are older but what that person has will sag and it wrinkle and it will NEVER. EVER. stay as amazingly "hot" as it looks now. Okay? No? Let me tell you why.

If you ever plan on having a child naturally the body does some amazing and mean, evil buuut beautiful things. Some ladys will earn tiger stripes (aka stretch marks) and guess what, those don't go away ladies and gentlemen. They actually stay with you for the rest of your life. I mean, they fade but it's still there. That amazing tight tummy? Yeah, some women can't actually get that back unless they have sugery because their abdominals were so stretched during pregnancy that they seperated and need to be sugerically sewn back together. Oh and DON'T let me forget to tell you about the funny looking hound face ALL women will have right after pregnancy. Yeah, all that space the baby took up takes a while to shrink back. A. While. It looks like a saggy hound face. It's weird. But women go through it. 

Now, I'm only 22 and I've never been pregnant. I know this for sure. We all get old. Years of volunteering and talking to my perfered age group (those over the age of 65), I've learned this: I don't care how good you look now. We all get tired when we retire. We all get wrinkles. We all will die.

That means you can be that amazingly fit grandma but you are still not going to look like Amber Heard or Angelina Jolie when you are 70. No, no. Honey, even Arnold Swartzenger got wrinkles and had several fat phases.

What if your man gets a injury and can't really workout as hard as he like? What if he gains weight? Are you still going to say that you "love" him then?

Find someone that makes you happy. Not someone who just looks good. Beauty fades and personality remains.

It always makes me giggle when people ask me what I find attractive. I mean, yeah... I like guys that have really nice bodies but that isn't the one and only thing that I find attractive. Every guy I've ever liked has had great conversation skills. They've all been cocky but sweet. They all had great potential to be successful or more successful. Every guy I've like wasn't all that handsome, or all that fit or even all that in general. We can't limit ourselves to what is on our perfect mate checklist. We miss out on all the great people we could have met.

Ok ladies and gents. That's my rant for today.

Stay amazing.

Sass. Class. Truth.

-H

Me vs. Jealous Girls

I always love seeing girls be crazy jealous. I've never been the type to care. Guys are just going to look at other girls. I mean, how can you not see things when they are right there in your line of vision? If he is checking her out, you best know that I'm checking her out too because I appreciate great makeup and great fashion taste. Plus, I always like to know, for sure, that I'm prettier than certain people (lol. Vain much?). Read this carefully, the man that I'm out with WILL NOT be leaving with anyone but me and if he does...he isn't worth any more of my time (Unless of course he is just my friend. In that case, I would be pushing him out he door with that girl). Can't women just be nice to other sexy women? Do you really think that low of yourself? Is it really that chick's fault that you don't look good? Is it really my fault if I look better (Tee hee)?

I love seeing girls act the complete opposite. I've been given dirty looks. I've been called names. I've been shoved. Hahaha. Why? I've never purposefully flirted with a man that has a girlfriend. Ok, I've maybe batted my eyelashes buuut it is just out of habit. I'm seriously just that nice to people. What? Because he is your man I can't be nice? Jut because he is with you, I can't say hi? What if he's my friend? I can't say hello? OH PLEASE! Move aside and let the adults talk because darling, you are such a child.

Seriously ladies, I'm not trying to "take your man" and I'm no "home-wrecker" because you'd have to be married for me to actually wreck your home. If I'm trying to take your man, you wouldn't even see it coming. Which, unfortunately, is probably why you are so suspicious in the first place but maybe you should be dating someone more your speed. JUUUUST saying!

Hya's back. And I'm only becoming more amazing. ;)

That is all.

Class. Sass. Truth.

I Guess It's Too Much Pressure to See Potential in People

I recently said, "I guess it's too much pressure to see potential in people."

I like to see the best in people. When I see the potential someone has I typically encourage it. However recently I learned that those actions can come off as pushy and offensive. Never in my life did I ever intend those things.

To those I've pressured: I've only wanted the best for you. I will never feel disappointed in your failures because everyone fails. If you tried and are embarrassed you failed, don't be. It just wasn't the right fit this time around. Keep trying. Keep learning. Keep being the person I know you can be.

Who I Want To Be & Who I Am

It took one look at what I was not and what I never wanted to be to bring who I am back from the depths of my brain.  Before I tell you who I am, let me discuss the story of the "one look" at the person I NEVER want to become.

So I'm on Facebook and I'm going through photos, profiles and posts that my Facebook friends have posted and somehow I get to this one girl's profile.  She's a friend of a handful of my friends but I've never personally met her.  It literally took me two seconds to look at this girl's profile and say that is the type of  woman I NEVER want to be. The word "PLASTIC" was the only thing that came into my head.

When I say plastic, I'm not talking about fake eyelashes, fake boobs, nips and tucks and blah...blah...blahh. All I saw from her profile was selfishness, arrogance and lack of any sign that she was a woman that I could ever respect but there was this girl that could have been me.  She lives in the same city, she's around my age, we share mutual friends, we're both healthy, we have similar cultures...  She looked cheap, fake and toxic.

"That is the type of woman I NEVER want to be," was the phrase that I said mentally to myself simply due to her profile picture and her cover photo.  What made us so different?

I am constantly working towards this image of who I WANT to be.

• Kind
• Honest
• God-driven
• Successful
• Happy
• a Leader
• Poised

This girl didn't even seem to be ONE of those things.  She might have been happy but she wasn't smiling in her cover photo or her profile picture so who knows?  And yes, this girl had her own personal photo of herself as her cover photo.  If you happen to be one of those people and you aren't a Facebook "public figure" and/or neither of those photo's are professionally taken pictures...I highly suggest you change one of those photos because you look like a conceited person.  Even the outfits she wore made me think less of her.  She was scantily clothed and all I could think of was if one of my cousins, aunts, my mother or grandmother were to see that I posted that publicly...I'd be mortified.  The more I thought about this the more I was appalled.  I have younger people that see my Facebook.  I have people I respect on my Facebook.  I don't want them to see any of that!  Sure, I've had photo's of me in a bathing suit on Facebook.  I've also walked on a few stages with nothing but a bathing suit but that wasn't what showed through in those photos.  I showed through on those photos and I wasn't trying to be seductive...I was radiant.

When I saw this girl's profile and thought, "That is the type of person I NEVER want to be," I came to the realization that WHO I am had gotten lost in the process of being who I WANT to be.  

I am...

• Crazy
• Spontaneous
• Dynamic
• Energetic
• Full of life

But who I was before I saw that girl's profile was a watered-down version of who I am.  With who I am comes an unbalance and that is why I controlled it but here's the thing...It shouldn't have to be something I need to manage.  I do quite well when I am, who I am and what I want to be.  It makes me...Hya.

I am that woman who likes to go out and have fun.  I do a lot of non-profit work.  I do great with children and they look up to me because I am a leader.  I'm a crazy leader who fumbles her words, speaks without sometimes thinking because I'm just trying to be honest.  When I speak I just have so much energy and confidence and I am full of life.  When who I am collides with who I want to be it is the only time I honestly feel happy and satisfied.

So that "one look" at that girl's profile sparked a respect who I am and who I expect myself to be.  It also helped me remember that the internet is a 24/7 way of showing people who you are.